hair apparent.

I need a little fixing up in my life. I need some thinning and trimming. I need some organization and control, and I need to make sense of the situation.

Yes, folks, I desperately need a haircut.

It has been since October since I got my hair cut. October. I have a wonderful hair-magician in Idaho by the name of Elizabeth. She has been cutting my hair for many moons and I have never gotten a haircut from her that disappoints. I was tres excited to get an Elizabethan cut this Christmas . . . however, I had to sacrifice my appointment so we could get down to Utah in time to attend the temple. Oh, the sacrifices we make.

Here we are a month later and the situation is getting dire. My hair is drab. Its large and in charge. I never realized how much hair I have. Now here a sit an hour after my shower and it continues to drip, sopping wet. Elizabeth always thins it out (that magician). I've been doing straight and shapeless for a while now. I think its time to mix things up.

(Like my hot-pink v-neck T? Can you say Target for $8? Love.)

~

Ladies and gentlemen, the choices:

I think I want bangs. I think it would add a dimension where if the rest of my hair wasn't participating that day, but my bangs were done, then I'd be good to go. Then, its taking the risk that the bangs would be a wreck all the time. Hmmm. I like A (Miss Rory) but wondering if I can pull off the straight down bang look. Not sure. Those of you who know Carlie B. (class of Highland High '05) and are friends with her on facebook, look at her bangs. I think they are cute. That look I like. Chris called it a "blond cheerleader" look and wasn't so sure I could pull it off either (in a loving supportive 'y0u're beautiful no matter what' sort of way). B is more sweeping, and C is all the way sweeping. I love B, but I'm no Zeta-Jones, and I love Reese in C. Maybe I'll go that short? That would be nice. But poor little Car wouldn't have any jungle vines to swing on anymore. I like them all. Can't quite decide. Would love your input. Saturday is the big day.

a bit of an explanation.

Thank you all for your kind comments on my last post. I talked with my mom yesterday and she said she was a little surprised at first that I would write about that sort of stuff on my blog, but how it was good because so many young mothers struggle from time to time and she remembers having similar feelings with my oldest brother. My goal is to never complain about having Carly, as she is the greatest blessing. I just intend to share and express, because sometimes it feels like I'm alone when really there is a whole sisterhood of mothers out there who are figuring out this crazyness together.

~

As for our wonderful baby, Sunday night she started this deep icky guttural cough. It progressively got worse so yesterday morning I called her doctor and they had her come in. Miss Carly has RSV. Turns out its really no fun having a sick baby. However, it explains the negative developments as of late:

*screaming when we put her down on her back and taking over an hour to put to bed: she couldn't breathe flat on her back. Last night she slept through the night propped up in her swing.

*refusing to eat worse than usual: she can't breath well through her nose.

~

Hopefully she'll be feeling better in the next few days, though the doctor said it could linger for a week.

Mama and the sickling.

One of our favorite activities is to look in the mirror.

I firmly believe all hats should come with ears.

Daddy and the sickling in her "ball gown" at the doctors office.

She looks happy, at least.

~

I wish she could blow her nose! I've been trying to teach her but it hasn't sunk in. And she absolutely hates the booger-sucker. She starts screaming as soon as I pick it up.

~

Wish us luck.

Motherhood 202

Everything has gone haywire. I was just getting the hang of this motherhood thing. I felt like I had mothering a newborn "down" (if you can ever really have that down). And then all the sudden Carly wasn't a newborn anymore. Now there are all these twists and turns that I have no idea how to maneuver. I'm feeling a bit stumped. No, really stumped. And most days Carly kicks my trash in a game where I'm not even sure of the rules. I passed Motherhood 201. We made it out of the newborn phase. But I'm struggling with 202.

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We've been struggling to get our older Carly to settle down enough to eat or sleep. She is restless. She has lots of energy and prefers play over anything else (even eating!). Its an endearing but befuddling quality. I've been supplementing with a bottle, but she will only drink so much. I started her on rice cereal, but I can never remember to give it to her (go figure) and when I do it seems like it goes everywhere except down her throat. I spend most of the day wrestling over what to do for her. By the time Chris gets home I'm tired of facing decisions. He asked me what I wanted for dinner tonight and I said "I honestly just can't make any more decisions today. I'll eat whatever you put in front of me."

~

Someone I blog stalk (you all do it, I know) recently talked about the struggle of motherhood. Like her, I often get it in my head that I'm a bad mom, that I have no idea what I'm doing. I wonder why I got her, why someone who deserves her didn't get her instead. And in all the stress and frustration the tears come. Chris often tells me I was born to be a mother, but its hard to believe him when the tears come. But this girl shared something that hit home with me and applied to me perfectly. So I'll steal her thoughts and add my own twist:

I don't get a lot of temptation as a mom. I'm at home with a 5 month old all day. My life revolves around her. There aren't a lot of opportunities for Satan to tempt me. So instead he picks the thing I care about most in the world: Carly. And he picks the calling that is most important in life: motherhood. And he tells me I'm no good and he says I don't deserve her and he asks me why I even try. That's how he gets to us mothers.

~

I can't decide what I want to say next. I am so very blessed to have Carly. She is a miracle. The thing is, Satan wants me to believe I'm no good at this. He's the one who tells me I'm not made for this. But if I would let myself be honest, I would admit that when that baby looks at me with those big beautiful blues eyes, she knows me. She loves me. She looks at me for assurance. She looks at me to make sure I'm watching her and every fabulous move she makes. She looks at me to double check that I'm still there. She wants me there because I'm her mom. Its those eyes and that smile that keep me sane.

~

The praying helps too. I remember when I had Carly someone commented on my blog to "pray a lot, that's what got me through." I thought that was odd at the time. Now its the best advice I've gotten on motherhood so far. In fact, I'm betting prayer is the cheat sheet on passing 202.

She laughs.

Here's the proof.

(Please excuse my own half-fake, half-real laughter. My laughing makes her laugh.)

Our Fabulous Friday in Photos

Our Friday was simple yet fabulous.
Carly was happy all day.

It doesn't get more fabulous than that.

~

Our day started just before 9:30.

Yes, 9:30.

It was glorious.

She still woke up during the night, which she has every night since our return. But the nice thing about Carly is if I get to her and feed her before she has enough time to fuss too much, she eats for 10-20 minutes and goes right back to sleep. None of that up for 3 or 4 hours business she did as a newborn. So our day started at 9:30.

~

We like to watch West Wing in the mornings. Its my all-time favorite show. Bravo shows episodes at 8 and 9. Usually we catch both. Today we just caught the last 30 minutes. I was ok with that.

~

After West Wing and breakfast(s) (Carly always has 2), it was time to tackle the much neglected dishes. Carly helped quite a bit by devouring paper cupcake liners and throwing measuring cups on the floor. After dishes it was time to fold laundry.
Then it was time for exercise! We had quick errands to run, so instead of driving I came up with the health-conscience idea to walk. Turns out the walk was way longer than I expected and more treacherous than planned. Half-way to our destination the sidewalk ended and I had to push the stroller through grass to avoid busy streets. I'm sure I looked completely crazy to all the people in the cars. But talk about a work-out. Needless to say, I took a different route home. Carly didn't seem to notice my effort.

Upon our arrival home, Carly was still asleep. So I left her in her carseat and showered in silence. No screaming. It was fabulous. Carly was happy in her bumbo while I got ready . . .

and ate lunch (at 3:30 pm). I discovered today that she doesn't mind the bumbo so much as long as she is up at my level and not down on the ground. Of course that requires my reflexes to be extra ready, but I'll take that over the screaming.

Then it was playtime. Here Carly is practicing a new favorite move, "superbaby". Finally ready to go pick up daddy!

This is truly the most fabulous part of every day.

Our evening consisted of a trip to the grocery story. Carly "hung" out with daddy and loved looking at the lights and people. She loves busy stores.

The night ended with me successfully converting my mom's stroganoff recipe to be gluten-free, Carly giggling, a bit of Star Trek, and a leg massage for yours truly.

It was a fabulous Friday.

untitled.

I forgot to put dinner in the crockpot this morning. I was going to run to the store to pick up a few things to make something else. But I busted out Carly's swing that she hasn't used in months and put her screamin' self in it . . . and now she is asleep. Now I'm just enjoying the silence. I don't want to go to the grocery store. Maybe it will be a sandwich night.
~

Ever had a few days where you feel sorry for yourself and then a few things happen and you realize just how very blessed you are? My last few days were the feel sorry days, and yesterday was my realization day. So today I've cherished every second with my Carly. We went to the gym and she was nice enough to let me have 27 minutes on the elliptical. I tried to stretch it to 30, but she warned me not to push my luck. Then I did sit-ups while holding her (she makes for good resistance), and every time I came up I'd kiss her on her face and she would do her giggle-grunt. She is beautiful.

~

Yesterday while I was in the shower Carly was screaming her bloody-murder scream and I felt that anger start to build up in my chest. I hate that anger and I supress it using all my might. In the shower I started praying over and over that I wouldn't get upset and I would just be patient and figure out a way to make her happy. I turned the water off and she went quiet at the change. Then I ripped open the shower curtain and said "BOO!". And she started giggling. I did it a few times and she giggled every time. She started crying again a short while later, and today the shower curtain peek-a-boo didn't make a difference, but I'm grateful for the smidge of personal revelation that got us through yesterday morning.

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Look how massive she is. Can you even believe it?

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This post has no point. I'm not even sure what to title it. I just think motherhood is wackadoodle (the good kind of wackadoodle). These babies really put you to the test, but at the same time make everything all right. I've been thinking about how much of an impact mothers have on thier children. I love my mom so much and have always looked up to her. In the last little while (not sure when, since I moved to Tennessee I think) my mom has started working out really good. She and my dad have Gold's Gym passes and she goes most mornings. When I saw her over Christmas she looked so small and fit! And it made me want to work out more. Like, seeing my mom incorporate that into her life made me want to incorporate it into mine. And I'm old and married and have a kid of my own, but she's still my mom and I still look up to her. Does that even make sense? Its like when I was a teenager and I would accidentally walk in on my parents kneeling next to their bed in prayer. I want Carly to accidentally walk into my room and find me in prayer some day. That image is in my brain forever, and I want her to have that kind of example. Anyway, I just always think how I want Carly to be a strong and righteous woman -- that means I have to be a strong and righteous woman. And some days that's easier said than done.

~

A few of my favorite pictures from the last few days:

Look at her sit! She is still pretty tipsy, but she's gettin there.

Gave her a mohawk today. This girl loves her daddy. She will fuss and fuss all day and then Chris gets home and she can't stop smiling at him. Sometimes I think we should trade places! (Please don't mind the hole in the pillow. Chris pulled the tag out of it with a little too much force).

Resolute.

We left on our trip with Dr Jekyll and returned with little Miss Hyde. Carly's new hobbies include fussing, crying, screaming while I'm in the shower, refusing to eat when hungry, refusing to sleep when tired, and waking up in the middle of the night. I sent Chris a text today that said "Took stuff to goodwill now getting smoothie. What i need is a few shots." I'm pretty funny, huh? Anyway, its been kind of a handful since Carly used to be a wonderfully easy baby. At least she's cute.

I get an occasional visit from Dr. Jekyll in the morning

(look what that girl does to her swaddle blanket).

Not sure what Miss Hyde is so upset about.

I've never even owned a robe.

Just thought I'd share that, but that's not what we're about today. Today we're about being resolute. I don't know if you noticed, but its a new year. 2010 already, can you believe it? So I, of course, decided on a few New Years resolutions since there is no time like a new year to start fresh.

But is it just me, or do resolutions seem made to be broken? Like how everyone says they are going to get in shape and the gyms are full for 2 weeks and then everybody goes back to their old habits. In the dictionary under "resolute" it says marked by firm determination. 2009 was a good year for me, but I have many things to improve upon, and now that the pregnancy/newborn fog has lifted I think I might have a fighting chance at meeting my goals.

What are my resolutions? I'm glad you asked.

Be 100%.

I have not been too great at reading my scriptures lately (like over the last year). I mean I read, but not every day and not study-reading. Not the way I need. I was sick my entire pregnancy and in a stupor for months after. This is a lame excuse but this is my excuse. In December I went to a Southeastern area training for Young Women leaders. In it, the YW general president said that when she speaks to youth she always challenges them to be 100% at three things. 1) Read from the Book of Mormon 5 minutes a day (I've bumped it to 15). 2) Pray on your knees (not lying in bed . . . oops) morning and night. 3) Smile. Be a happy person. I've warped #3 into "Think of another", where I will try to do one nice thing for someone each day. Sounds basic, and it is. But I need to get back to basics.

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Work out. Get out.

Yes, I'm joining the greatest bandwagon of them all and making getting into shape one of my New Years resolutions. Before my pregnancy I was a pretty active person. But take constant nausea, 10 hour work days, and my sudden need for 12 hours of sleep, and working out went out the window. Then add my ridiculously long post-baby recovery and you have my current state: getting sore after a long grocery shopping trip. Its sad but true. I'm not all about looking like Gisele Bunchen (because I could if I wanted to . . . right . . . ) but I just want to be able to move and feel good and be active again. It will take lots of easing into, but I'm excited to get moving. And Chris and I have set a schedule so I can start going 4 times a week. And if I happen to lose my final baby lbs that's ok too.

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As for getting out? I don't know if this is common, but as a stay at home mom with a small baby, I find it extremely easy to sit home in my pjs all day. But when I do I feel yucky and Carly gets fussy. She likes to get out and see the world (and often falls asleep in her carseat). So another goal is to get out and do something every day. In my planner I have written "Get Out:" every day and each Sunday I'll think of an errand or activity that will get us out each day. Its just good for my soul (and hers) and makes me feel at least somewhat productive. Hopefully our ward mothers group will start up again (or maybe I can start one?) so we can have social interaction as well.

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You are what you eat.

This means I am mostly cheese and ice cream. And apple juice boxes. As a breastfeeding mama I've discovered that I'm always hungry and always really thirsty. This leads to me eating a lot, but not drinking enough (go figure). I get a headache from lack of water pretty much every day, and I snack on unhealthy things and have lunches that aren't exactly packed with nutrients either. So two goals are to drink a lot more water (ten squares on my board, that's providing for a few extra glasses), and to eat healthier meals. I'd say I'm getting better so far. This one will definitely be a more gradual process. Any suggestions for healthy snacks or lunches that you enjoy?

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Anyway, sounds like a lot (or at least it does to me) but its just a few basic goals to get me back on track and working toward my ultimate goal of being a good mother, supporting my husband, and getting closer to my Heavenly Father.

~

Gotta go. Screaming baby.