Mothers

Our parks recently reopened, so yesterday I took the kids to a less-popular one in hopes we’d be there alone, and I got my wish. After playing for about an hour, I noticed a large brown dog running toward us. There were some owners behind him so I didn’t think too much of it. We like dogs and will always pet them with the owner’s permission. I tried to pet this one as it approached, full speed. It became clear pretty quickly this wasn’t a normal dog, but rather a dog full of adrenaline and aggression and unable to control its own strength. He jumped up on John and knocked him to the ground. Then he jumped on top of Quinn, knocking her to the ground, scratching her chest, and biting (lightly-but enough to leave red marks) at her cheek. The owners came up behind it and as politely as I could I said “I think that dog is supposed to be on a leash.” The teenage girl replied that he had escaped from the house and they were trying to catch him. During this time the dog proceeded to knock Owen down and then came and jumped up on my chest, ripped a hole in my shirt, and knocked me down onto the bench behind me. Quinn came and sat by me crying and I decided we just needed to get the heck out of there. We gathered all our stuff up, but the dog would not leave us alone. With my arms full, I told my kids to follow me to the van. As we walked away, the dog knocked Owen down and was on top of him, mouth level with his head. What I knew was that this was a dog that had already ripped a hole in my shirt and bit at Quinn’s cheek and all I could imagine was it taking a much stronger bite out of Owen’s face. His owners were sort of trying to catch him, but given the fact that he was practically attacking my kids, I felt they weren’t really trying as hard as they should. As the dog hovered open-mouthed above Owen, I screamed (and I am NOT a screamer, folks) “Get your dog away from my kids!” Maybe I shouldn’t have yelled, but I was scared, and nothing was stopping the dog. I ran to the dog, yanked Owen out from under him, swung him up into my arms, and we all ran to the van. The dog followed us but luckily did not try to get in as I feared. We were all shaking when we closed the doors and Carly said, “I’ve never heard you scream like that.” I replied that it was just nature, that when I mom sees her babies being threatened that she would react as powerfully as she could to defend them. My kids were freaked out afterwards and Owen has since repeatedly told me he “didn’t like being attacked by the dog.” My thoughts were full of worry last night, knowing it wasn’t too big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but also thinking that it could’ve been so much worse. And then my mind went to other mothers. Mothers carrying their babies across rivers to try to find a safe home. Mothers who are afraid to let their sons go on jogs for fear of what might happen to them on the street. Mothers crossing the Mediterranean on rafts, fleeing war torn countries to find safety. It is nature that these mothers are trying to protect their babies, and when I say I care about these things, it’s because I’m a mother too—and because I’m a human. I don’t know all the answers or any perfect solutions, but I know we have to care— we can donate to causes that help, vote for people willing to try to find solutions, speak out on issues that matter, and listen to stories of people who are experiencing life differently than ourselves. 

E pluribus unum

I have been a history/government/political science nerd my whole life. While other teens were watching (what were you watching? I don’t even know) I was watching NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw and rushing home from Wednesday night youth church activities to catch the new episode of The West Wing (still my all time favorite show, I’ve watched it through more times than I can count). I loved my high school AP History classes, my college history, sociology (my major), and political science (my minor, until I dropped it to graduate on time) classes. I have always loved this country and celebrated it with vigor. I’m the mom with the kids in the red, white, and blue outfits. But now, my heart hurts. There are a lot of things that have built over the last few years, and I won’t get into it because that is not the point of this post, but I feel my patriotism struggling. As the Fourth of July approaches, I just haven’t been feeling it. But throwing in the towel and just becoming bitter certainly didn’t feel right. I care about this country. I care about it becoming what it can be, working toward actually fulfilling its promise of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” for everyone, not just some. So many things are “broken”, but I can still love broken things. I feel I can work to listen when I need to, speak when I need to, and try to be the kind of American I know can make our country begin on the path to healing and justice. So I decided to think of how I could mark the 4th of July in a slightly different way — a way that fits what is needed right now, and a way that should have really been happening all along.

1) Talk about voting! Voting is going to be SO important in 2020 to turn the tone in our country away from aggression and bullying toward something more progressive and meaningful for everyone. White women fought for the vote. And then Black people fought for the unimpeded right to vote. There is so much history there, and the fight for suffrage is a lesson on just how important voting is. On Election Day 2012 I made little ballots for Carly for different choices throughout the day. That was a fun way to show kids how their vote matters. And if you aren’t registered to vote already, it’s the perfect time to do so.

2) Diversify the American experience. There are so many valuable American stories to tell outside of the traditional. I grabbed a few new books telling stories of children who immigrated to the US, one from Egypt and one from China. They celebrate the diversity that adds so much to what America means. The motto of the United States is E pluribus unum (you can show your kids the words on a coin or a dollar bill) and it means “Out of many, one.” America isn’t supposed to look just one way. Out of many skin tones and languages and beliefs, we are meant to be one. Inscribed on the Statue of Liberty is “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” I want my kids to know that that is what America should be.

3) Look outside the box for American history. We talk about Washington & Jefferson and Co all the time around the 4th, and this year I want to broaden the horizon when it comes to American history. There are so many women and people of color in our nation’s history that have overcome, achieved, and contributed to inspiring American history. I’ve decided to talk about a number of women this year. I found a gorgeous book called Herstory, and while it has women in history from around the world, I’m picking out a few Americans: Harriet Tubman, Katherine Johnson (I’ll be watching Hidden Figures with Carly too!), Rosa Parks, Rachel Carson, and Helen Keller. The Instagram page The American Moms also shares #WednesdaysWoman about women in American history, and Here Wee Read has a huge Amazon booklist with more options for Black men and women in U.S. history. Related to this, we are also celebrating Juneteenth for the first time this year. I listened to the First Name Basis podcast about it and highly recommend it to learn more, but Juneteenth really is when our country truly became the “land of the free.” Juneteenth and the Fourth of July can and should go hand in hand.

I was talking my wonderful husband's ear off about this and he said, "Its just like anything in life. If you don't admit to your mistakes and learn from them, you'll never get better." That is just it. Our country has its problems, but we have to face that history (and the present) head-on and teach it to the next generation, so we can all recognize it and see where we need to go. This 4th of July, I may feel a little different. There will still be red, white, and blue outfits, sparklers, BBQ, and fireworks (except not big fireworks, dang Covid), but I know there will be a sense of unfinished business. I hope we all feel that to a degree -- a feeling that there is still work to do. 

A January Experiment

I’m going to be perfectly honest: 2019 wasn’t a great year for me.  To sum it up quickly, while I have a particularly wonderful family and life, in 2019 I struggled to take care of my mental, spiritual, and physical health as one ought to. Little exercise, poor sleeping habits, and . . . all too often, too much time on my phone.

              The phone thing is interesting because I’m somewhat anti-technology as a mom. My kids don’t have their own devices and are rarely allowed access to mine. John plays Minecraft like once every 3 weeks. But there’s mom, checking Instagram yet again. One day John asked if he could play Minecraft. He had played a few days before and hadn’t read much or done anything else that day, so I responded, “Not today, there are better things you can do with your brain.” There are better things you can do with your brain. ZING. I don’t know where I came up with that one, but it struck me to the core.

              As 2020 approached I began wondering how I could make the next year much better than the last. Take better care of my body, go to bed earlier, yes . . . but as I prayed I got a resounding answer: step away from social media. In the interest of full disclosure, this isn’t the first time I’ve prayed that prayer, and this isn’t the first time I’ve received that answer. And each time I’d make a little effort to spend less time on my phone. But it didn’t last long. So I told Chris I was going to spend the entire month of January off social media.

              But why? I mean, I’m an adult (so I hear) and I should be able to use my phone responsibly. Right? I’m not saying I was on my phone every second all day, completely ignoring my kids. No, it wasn't extreme. But I knew I was on it too much. I could feel it. I could see it in how many times my kids had to call for me, how many times I said, “I’m sorry, could you tell me that again?” In general, there are so many things I love about it, particularly Instagram. I print Chatbooks that have become our family photo albums and memories, especially since I’ve abandoned this blog. I like keeping up on people I’ve known in all the places we’ve lived, seeing cute kids and cute houses and cute pets. But my main issues were three fold: 1) I was wasting so much time looking at everyone’s everything. 2) It would drag me down. Yes, I’m an adult, but I’m human, and between negative and mean comments and cynical posts and everyone having and being more and better than me (or so it unreasonably felt), it would just put me in a gray place. And 3) I was distracted. That dang phone was in my hand all the time and while I played Legos or sat at lunch or tried to read my scriptures or a book . . . it was sucking my eyes in.

              So January 2^nd I deleted both Facebook and Instagram off my phone and away we went. Was I perfect for a month? Not even close. I checked a number of times, first because the Royal family was experiencing some drama (I’ve been following them for 20 years, couldn’t stay away), then to access a few specific things, then to sell some things on Facebook, then because Kobe Bryant died and I JUST CAN’T. My heart has absolutely ached over that one. But I found social media made it worse, so I jumped back off.

              So, after that long back story, here’s what did happen:

First, the screen time on my phone when down by over FIFTY PERCENT that first week. I get a screen time report every Sunday morning and it was all “Your screen time went down by 56% this week.” That is a lot of time.

              Next, I read TEN books. I love reading. There is nothing like a good story that makes you think and feel or fascinating non-fiction that tells you something you didn’t know before. It makes your brain feel awake and alive instead of dull like the phone does. I typically consume (through both reading and audiobooks) about 2 books per month. I read 5 times as many books! It was so much fun.

              I’ve created a habit of reading my scriptures. Did I read them every day? No. But I read and studied them most days, when before I was “running out of time” more days than not. This is a priority in my life and I know that if I keep working on that, it will only increase the peace I feel day to day.

              I finished Owen’s baby book. Ha! Four years in the making, that thing. I mean, I have yet to do the three older kids’ books, but decided to tackle Owen’s first since it would be easiest to find the pictures. But it was so fun and led to me telling him lots of stories and all about when he was a baby. He loves it and calls it “my baby diary.”

              We introduced “country nights”. This was completely random and unplanned. One night we decided to watch Finding Nemo and then I decided to grab some Tim Tam cookies to go with it (it was during the biggest news coverage of the Australian fires) and we ended up coloring Australian flags and learning facts about Australia and it became “Australia night”. The following week we did Italy night, and then China night. The kids love them and we have a list of countries we want to do. They’re easy because, hey, we are eating anyway. Maybe this wasn’t a direct result of no social media, but it was a result of me being less distracted and using my time better.

              I read aloud to my kids. I read aloud to my kids when they are little a whole lot. Owen and I love to read stories together. But as the big three have become independent chapter book readers, I stopped reading to them. I have heard good things about reading to older kids, and one of the books I read this month was called The Enchanted Hour, all about the benefits of reading aloud as a family. So I finally made it a priority, using the evening down time when the kids were reading to themselves and I was sitting in the living room with them checking my phone. We read The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, and it was such a fun and special experience. Right after we finished, Carly (my super strong independent reader) said, “What book are you going to read to us next?!”

              I spent less money. And I never felt bad about something that didn’t fit into the budget. For better or worse, Instagram is a buyer’s heaven, with companies left and right advertising adorable things and making you feel like you need it. Reducing that was one of the biggest side benefits that I didn’t see coming.

              None of these things are necessarily groundbreaking. I have no doubt all of these things could still happen even without removing social media from my life. Lots of people have the appropriate balance, and moving forward I hope/plan on continuing these things while striking that balance. But they WEREN’T happening. I needed that step back. I needed the clarity of mind. I needed to be reminded of what was most important. I just needed a healthier relationship with technology. I feel a little silly saying that, but I think it’s a bigger issue in our society than most people let on. And I don’t want it to be one in my life anymore. I’m definitely not hating on social media or people who use it. Of course not! I love it; I love the good parts. I’m actually grateful for so many things about social media, the things I missed. I get regular uplifting spiritual messages from several accounts I follow. Book recommendations and discussions, creative mom tips, a good laugh from funny memes, tasty recipes, a small connection to people who are now far away.  That’s why I did this. To highlight the good parts, and to pinpoint and hopefully eliminate the bad.

              In the end, the biggest things that happened were the small things. Going to bed and realizing I didn’t have my phone and then not worrying about it, I’d find it tomorrow. Leaving it behind when we played in the snow or ran errands or went to the library. Not thinking about this post or that comment or this meme (don’t get me wrong, I love a good meme). It was surprising how many of my thoughts went to things I’d seen on my phone that day. Not that that is always bad, but without it, I found my brain thinking about all sorts of other things. And that brought me full circle, back around to what I told John that day: there are better things you can do with your brain. I can only hope and pray that the efforts and habits I’ve made will stick. That I’ll continue with the better balance, I’ll fill my life and brain with all the goodness the world has to offer, some of which is on a screen, but a majority of which is off. It was a lovely January, perhaps one of the best I’ve experienced —a good start to 2020.