thinking out loud.

I used to blog. I mean, way back when I would write about all sorts of things and it would sound good. I used to have a functioning brain that wrote papers and took notes and asked questions. Yesterday Chris asked me to help with something for school, and I said something really dumb and I was going to tell you about it, but you know what? I can't even remember what it was or what I said. This is what has become of me. The combination of long pregnancies, sleep deprivation, and all that dang screaming . . . . it feels like I can hardly form a coherent thought. You know, I used to want to get a Masters degree. But after watching Chris go through that, it doesn't look like that much fun. Maybe I'll take my Bachelor's in Sociology from BYU and go back to vocational school and become a CNA. I would very much like to be that person who puts the baby on the scale and tells the excited mom how much he weighs. The point is, my brain is mush.

The Olympics start tomorrow (or should I say today?). Time is crazy. During the Olympics four years ago, we had just moved to Tennessee. I didn't have a job yet, and our truck was a few days behind us, and I remember sitting on a sleeping bag watching in an empty apartment while Chris went to orientation. We were thinking of trying to have a baby. Now that thought, that possibility, makes up songs about her beloved dishtowel and uses an old piece of foam tubing as a telescope. She is this incredible little thing that didn't even exist 4 years ago. Time is crazy.

I ran 4 miles tonight (or should I say last night?). That is the furthest I've run in a long long time. I know that is chump change for the running masses, but it means a lot to me. My babies are 5 months old, and I'm running 4 miles. 

Prayers are getting answered in the C house. We prayed hard about coming to Michigan, and felt like it was truly where the Lord wanted us to be. And now here we are two years later and things are coming together for Chris and his research in a really amazing way. It is a long story that I'll tell you if you're dying to hear, but prayers are being answered. Chris does a whole lot, and he does it with a whole lot going on at home. He comes home from these long days and watches three cranky kids while I skip off to the gym. He is incredible and selfless, and he is currently passed out on the floor under my cute striped Ikea blanket, with two more papers left to grade. I love him.

We are in this perpetual state of chaos, and I'm not sure when the storm is going to end. I don't know what it is like to have 2 kids, but I daydream about it sometimes. As bizarre as is sounds, I let my mind wander off to a quieter place where there is only one bottle to make and one diaper to change. I am completely inadequate as a mother to these 3 perfect little people. There isn't enough of me, and I feel that they are all getting short-changed simultaneously. I have no idea why this was a good idea right now. But I love these kids. I can't say how much I love these kids, though, if you're a mother you know. What is with these kids of ours? They swoop in and ruin everything. You can't keep your house clean or sleep a healthy amount or even bathe regularly, but one happy smile or silly laugh and you just want to hold them forever and beg them not to age one more day. Why does so much difficulty bring so much joy?

It is so late. Every night I have so much to do but I'm so tired I just want to collapse on the floor and watch Grey's Anatomy or Friday Night Lights. I thought ditching cable and getting Netflix would decrease the amount of TV we watch as well as save money. Turns out it means unlimited entertainment at your fingertips. Totally sucked in. And sometimes I just keep watching because I can't get up, but if I go to bed then I will have to wake up and start all over again. Which is funny, because every morning I wake up and I'm so so happy to see those little faces, because I missed them while they were asleep. 

I went to the temple a little bit ago with my Primary Presidency. Its amazing how things are clearer in the temple, how life seems simpler, like it actually makes sense. I wish I could carry that with me always, but once you get back into the real world and all the screaming and all the drool, its hard to focus. But this time around I got one giant screaming message: "You are caring too much about things that don't matter. Spend your time and attention on what is important". The Lord knows me incredibly well.

xoxo.