the art of worrying.

Well, I'll do my best not to beat this having twins thing to death. But it is kind of preoccupying whats going on in my mind, so forgive me.

I went to the doctor today. It was our first visit since I found out about the twins (didn't see him after either ultrasound). It was nice to finally talk to him. I've been so worried about everything under the sun, and he has this attitude like, don't worry about anything unless it happens. He plans on a natural delivery at or after 37 weeks. That's it. I've been thinking of every extreme situation that might happen, and worrying about a c-section. But he said it really just depends on how the babies are, and at 20 weeks they were both head down. Who knows what will happen, and twins still have a 75% c-section rate, but it is really nice to have a doctor who acts and sounds like he expects everything to go routinely. It is a nice counterbalance to the pure panic I've had going on. Oh, and in case you're dying of curiosity, my tummy is as big as if I was about 33 weeks pregnant with a singleton. Which means it grew about 9 cm in 3 weeks. More panic. I pray my body can handle the physical strain that is coming my way.

Like I said, I've been stressing. But it is this weird stressing, where I find a way to worry about anything. We go to storytime at the library every week and this week the night before I was so stressed about what if we were late, or what if Carly didn't sit still and listen. Um, its storytime for little kids, no one sits still. I just worry worry worry and its making it hard for me to be happy in general. Yesterday I was telling Chris I was stressed because I couldn't think of anything I wanted for Christmas. For reals, it was stressing me out.

Then there are things I feel somewhat warranted in worrying about, though worrying won't fix anything. I've been thinking a lot about how I will be required to split time between my babies. When I found out I was pregnant, I was already worried about splitting time between Carly and the new baby. But now I'll have to split time between the two babies too. One of the most precious things about having a newborn, especially your first, is that you can just sit and snuggle and nurse and just drool over them all day long. That was such a sacred (yet very difficult) time with Carly. I look at parents at church with babies who pass the baby back and forth in an effort to take care of older kids and calm the baby down. We won't have that luxury. When I'm home, at all times one of my babies will not be held. I feel like I won't get the same experience with them, and it already hurts my heart to think of spending half as much time snuggling each baby.

I worry about my general mobility. After having Carly, one of the things that saved me was the fact that we lived across the street from a mall and I could just pack her up in the travel system and go window shopping. Just getting out of the house was a huge emotional boost. Getting a toddler and an infant out of the house seemed daunting, but getting a toddler and two babies out of the house seems downright impossible. We're not going to be able to go anywhere. Ever. And I don't know if that is going to be harder on me or Carly. I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to go home again. Flying alone with a baby, I did. A toddler and a baby. Ok, maybe. A toddler and two babies? Ummm, no. We were looking for flights to go home for Christmas, and I never felt good about actually buying any. I thought it was because of the prices (which were high) but then we found out about the twins, and it made sense why I was getting the feeling not to fly at that point in my pregnancy. Its a little late when considering a twin pregnancy. So who knows when I'll get home, and while I'm grateful we have family within driving distance, it is hard to think how long it might be before I get back to Idaho.

And worst of all, our garbage disposal is broken. The kitchen sink is clogged and it is hardly draining at all. We don't think we can run the dishwasher because it is connected to the sink somehow, and can't hand wash very many dishes at a time because the sink fills up. And the maintenance men are backed up a few days because half of them are on vacation. My kitchen is a disgusting mess and we have no clean dishes. I honestly think if I could wash my dishes, it would release all my other stresses. Don't underestimate the power of a clean kitchen.

That's all.
Gratitude post tomorrow.
MSU football game Saturday.
Vacay starts Sunday (for me and Carly anyway; Chris has to wait until Wednesday).
Good plan.
xoxo.