Reflections

Time for a visit to my psyche. I know, you're excited.

School has (hopefully) finally come to an end. Studying for and taking finals was a strange blast to a past college life I have left in more ways than one. It was insanely exhausting considering it was only two tests. Its surreal to think about the amount of work I used to put into classes full-time. This phase of my life wouldn't allow it. Chris and I were talking the other day and he said he thought the Lord knew me well enough to know full-time studenthood and pregnancy wouldn't go hand in hand for me. I think he's right. I'm quite the pregnancy zombie, and school is so important to me I always gave it 100%. The Lord spared me my sanity (and my GPA), for which I'm grateful.

I get asked a lot what my degree is in. The answer "sociology" is often met with confused looks and an awkward "that's cool". This stems from two things: no one knows what it is and no one knows what you do with it. Honestly, I don't know what you do with it either. You go to grad school or get a job where you use the skills you learned more than the actual discipline. Sociology was just something I fell in love with. Something I loved going to classes about. Maybe I chose with my heart more than my head, but I got an education I loved and enjoyed, and I'll take it. If I had the guts, when asked what I want to do I would say: "I want to educate my kids. I want kids who understand the world and appreciate the people in it. I want kids who are civilly minded and care about things outside of themselves. I want to change the world through the people that come out of my home." That's what my mom did. She has a lawyer, a businessman of some sort, and a pro baseball player coming out of her home. I want to be a mom like my mom.

But I don't have guts like that. I usually say I'm not sure, that I'm considering grad school at some point. It makes me look like a crazy lost person, but I can only explain my inner thoughts to so many people. I would like to get a graduate degree someday--maybe. In high school I wanted a masters and a PhD. Husband and family could come later, I felt. But I met Chris and he changed my world. And then this funny feeling started coming where I didn't want anything more than to have a house full of kids. That (the kid) didn't come as fast or easy as I thought (though I'm not saying it was especially hard--we are blessed). This fall I started to worry more than I should have worried. After some inner dealings with myself and many talks with a supportive (and handsome) husband, I started to think about other options. There was a 1 year masters degree here at UT that looked really great. And I did well at BYU, so felt like I could get in and maybe even get an assistantship. One week I printed off the application and started looking it over, thinking about who could write recommendation letters. That Saturday I woke up and peed on a piece of plastic. It was my last one. And I had decided not to keep them in stock anymore. Turns out it was the last one I needed. Looking back its remarkable to me that the Lord blessed us in that way right when I became content with whatever was meant to be. It doesn't work that way for everyone, but it worked that way for us, and I'm so grateful.

Anyway, back to school: BYU is full of experiences I'll never forget. Walking across campus in flip flops and capri pants on the first sunny day of the year. Naps on JFSB hallway floors and the rare open couch. Doing poorly on yet another Book of Mormon quiz and walking into the little garden in the middle of the JSB; I went searching for ways to pass my class, and left with a confirmation on a whole different subject: Chris was the one. Emotional breakdowns from stress in the bathroom stalls of the JFSB. The way my ring sparkled in the lights of the Clyde Building auditorium the day after I got engaged. My beloved job in the office of a biology professor. Intermural soccer with our dearest friends. The "death walk" to the Testing Center. The bells playing "Come, Come, Ye Saints."

All of this reflection makes me think about the little girl wiggling inside of me. Will I drop her off at BYU in 19 years? Will her ring sparkle in auditorium lights? Will stress make her cry in the JFSB bathrooms? Will she play kubb in the grass by the Wilk? Life feels so slow at times, but in hindsight, it passes too quickly.

Excuse all my seriousness. You know that feeling at the end of the semester where you don't know what to do with yourself? Finishing school completely is like a caffeinated version of that.

So I'll end with a funny story. This morning I was getting dressed in the dull light of our bedroom (we cover the window with a blanket for extra darkness~classy, I know). I pulled out some pants that were a size too big, and figured they'd be much more comfortable these days. I knew they were blue, but looked really dark blue. Like almost black. Chris agreed and I paired them with a blue sweater. In the light of the bedroom, Chris said I looked great. In the car in the sunlight, however, Chris said "those pants are more blue than I thought." He was right. I'm in head to toe blue. I look like a smurf. Neat.

My Life is Hard

All day I miss him

a lot.
~


I'm ready to be done with this

And really really really ready to be done with this

I just want to be home snuggling with her

(Isn't she a beauty?)

I know.
Dream of a husband.
Education.
Job.
Healthy baby girl.
~
My life is hard.

Eww.

So today I had a cup of punch.

I got it at a retirement party at work, which was in the building next door.

After my walk back to work, I realized there was a little bug in my cup.

So I stick my finger down and get the bug out.

I notice the bug is now on my finger.

So I shake it off on the ground.

This leaves punch on my finger.

So what do I do?

~

~

I lick the bug punch off of my bug finger.

~

Ewwww. Hope I don't get some wierd disease.

I Never Wanted This For You

Beware: I talk a lot of meaningless nonsense in this post. Yes, worse than usual.

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We had such a good weekend. Ever had a really good weekend that actually felt somewhat long and then all the sudden its over? Boo on that.

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Friday evening we stopped by this ritzy baby shop where everything is so ridiculously adorable but so completely unaffordable. I love going there, and Chris doesn't mind because its about 1/20 the size of BabiesRUs. About a month ago a saw the Bumbleride there and began my incessant coveting, so we decided to go back and see if it was as beautiful as I remember. Alas, it was gone, and the lady said all moms who get it just love it. I don't blame them . . . anyway, thats not the point. Its was fun to pay a visit to that little shop. On the way out we saw a 30-year-old professional woman with her $900 Bugaboo stroller walking in. Guess I'll be sticking with TJMaxx ;-)

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After that we stopped by Target to see if their significantly less expensive jogging stroller did anything for me. It didn't, of course, because apparently I'm extraordinarily anal about my stroller, but from there we headed home. For dinner we made buffalo chicken legs, which were totally disgusting and way too spicy. The smell permeated our whole apartment and made me really nauseous. Cross that one off the dinner list.

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Saturday morning was spent lounging, in no hurry to get out of bed. When we did, we headed to our personal gym for a work out. Our apartment complex just put in a new fitness center and I swear we are the only ones who use it. Its so nice. I'm horribly out of shape, but its nice to walk a mile or so and lift some light weights. At my last doctor's appointment I had gained all of 2 more pounds (that would be 4 whole pounds at 19 weeks pregnant) and I kind of panicked. The nurse called me a worry wort and said the pounds would be coming in no time. Anyway, the point is that Chris's theory is any weight I've gained in pregnancy mass has only replaced the weight I've lost in muscle mass because I haven't worked out pretty much my whole pregnancy. Pretty decent theory, and I hope to remedy that by gaining some muscle back in order to actually tote a big baby around in my belly the last 2 months or so. Anyway . . . It was nice to go to the gym.

~

Saturday afternoon into evening was reserved for baby registry. However, we were horribly interrupted. By The Godfather. Now the Godfather is on AMC I swear every other week. I've seen Chris watching bits and pieces but always mock him for doing so. Yesterday, I was sucked in. The Godfather in an incredibly fascinating, compelling movie. I really wish I could express how good it is. I didn't want to stop watching. As it neared 5:00, however, we figured we better head out and turned the TV off . . . . that story will pick up later.

~

So we headed to BabiesRUs and within seconds realized we were way out of our league. How many bottles does a baby need? Whats a nose aspirator? What does this do? Is this necessary? We try to live by the motto "Ten years ago, babies survived perfectly without [fill in the blank]." Sometimes it works better than others. Yes, 10 years ago babies survived without the Bumbleride, but invention is what makes life easier and more enjoyable, right? However the Boppy and the Bumbo didn't make the cut. We'll see how that goes. After several hours in BabiesRUS we spent a few minutes in Target (thank goodness they only have 5 isles of baby stuff) and finally headed home. We then stayed up way too late watching nonsense on TV and eating dinner around midnight.

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Sunday was church, of course. When we arrived home I flipped on the TV to AMC (they have America's Next Top Model marathons on on Sunday on Oxygen and that's not the most uplifting show so I try not to watch 8 hours of it on Sunday, like I did one time). Anyway, come to find the Godfather was on, exactly where we left off the day before. Like it was meant to be. So, we watched it. And what came on next? The Godfather Part II. So we watched that too. (Talk about wholesome Sunday entertainment. . . whoops). But I seriously love those movies, and I'm glad I got to see them edited on TV. Nothing quite like a Sunday afternoon with the widows open, a light breeze blowing in, curled under a blanket with your hub, watching the Godfather for hours. Good times.

Al Pacino as Michael in The Godfather. So handsome back then, wasn't he?

~

Then Sunday evening we headed out to a baptism of two teenagers joining the Church. We walked out of our building and noticed a smell . . . and smoke . . . oh, and the bush in front of our building is on fire. What? So, not wanting to have our building burn down, we run upstairs and bring big bowls of water to douse the little flames (luckily they were still small) and stirred the coals around with our ice scraper. So strange. There are cigarettes laying around in the general area so we figure someone threw a still glowing cigarette into a dry bush on a warm breezy day. Brilliant. Anyway, after we fought a fire, we headed to the baptism.

~
So it was a great weekend. Sadly, we had to return to the real world today. Even sadder is that Chris's spring break is over--come and gone too quickly. As Chris got out of the car this morning, I was sad to see him have to return to the grind. In my best raspy Godfather voice, I said, "I never wanted this for you." (that's a famous line from the movie--the Godfather telling his youngest son he never wanted him to be a mob boss). Then I laughed really hard because I'm so funny and clever, and Chris laughed really hard because my Godfather voice really sucked.

~

Now we're back to the grind.

Drooling

I know, I know. I'm posting again. Pretty obvious school assignments are done and I don't feel like studying quite yet (still on a mental vacation) and work has been DEAD SLOW. So you get to hear my meaningless thoughts AGAIN. (Pause while we do the dance of joy).

Anyway, I read this this morning and it made me cry. What doesn't make me cry, you ask? Not a lot, but this was very sweet and a great perspective. This blog is hilarious, by the way. I really enjoy her stories.

Now to the point (as if there is ever really a point): have you ever wanted something so badly you think about it too much? Have daydreams about it? Plan out how your life would be if you have it? I'm not talking about a happy marriage or a beautiful baby or your dream job. I'm talking about materialistic things. Throughout my life there seems to always be something I really really want, and want for years possibly, but can't bring myself to buy. Its never an outrageously expensive thing (like $1000 high heels) but its usually something that costs just a tad more than I prefer to spend on that particular item. A few examples:

~The Fossil Belt~

This isn't the exact one. They must not make it anymore because I couldn't find it. But it was the same idea as this. I loved that belt. In my mid teen years I would go visit it at Dillards whenever I went to the mall. I used to think of outfits I could wear with it, going on dates with it on, etc. Literally daydream about it. I had a job, and no real expenses other than gas and savings, so I probably could have gotten it. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to buy it, even though I literally wanted it for years. In fact, if I could find it today, I'd still want it. Whats funny is that I made other big purchases. One Christmas I even bought my boyfriend a Fossil watch. How dumb is that? Despite my drooling, I never got the belt.

~The Puma Speed Cat~

These shoes were the cause of my drool during my late teen/early college years. I love Puma shoes in general, and I do have a pair of Roma's that I got for $13 on a clearance table (it was seriously meant to be: one pair left, white with pink stripe-thingy, exactly my size). But I seriously drooled over these ones for years (and still do, actually). Any shoes store, any outlet, any sports store, I visited them. And always compared prices. They never got excessively expensive, but they were still expensive, and as this was my going to college, early college, early marriage phase, I knew they were one luxury I really couldn't have.

That brings me to today's current materialistic obsession. But really its not about me; its about the baby (Right).

~The Bumbleride Indie~

As embarrassing as it is to admit, my heart literally leaps a little when I daydream about pushing my baby girl around in this beauty. Granted, its because of the baby girl, but the stroller definitely aids in the perfection of the daydream: warm sunny day in October (we live in the South~I won't be leaving the house in August!), my Penguins Nike jogging shoes; red-headed baby girl; and light-weight, smooth-riding, gorgeous Indie. I regularly look at it online, and every time I decide I can live without it, I look again and immediately return to my conclusion that no other stroller will do. Its becoming a problem because as my husband stresses over which names he likes, I stress if I dare register for a stroller that costs this much more than your average stroller. But honestly it would last forever and I'd only need one because its a jogging and city stroller and it folds up so compactly and it only weighs twenty pounds and its made of such high quality materials and it fits kids from birth until age 4 and its so cute. Are those reasons enough? I can't decide. But I know I'll continue to drool over the Bumbleride Indie, whether it shows up on my doorstep or not (because the only way I'll get it is if I'm gutsy enough to put it on my registry and someone~or a group of people, as it may require~are generous enough to actually buy it off the registry).

So there, there's all my materialism played out for you. What do you drool over?

Madness

I heart March Madness. I really do.

I'm not a rabid college basketball fan during the season.

But who doesn't love March Madness?

Its too much fun.

But this year it has been tainted.

This year I can't turn to ESPN without a continuation of the madness of Obama-mania.

~
Obama filmed a segment with ESPN showing how he filled out his bracket and talking basketball.

Doesn't he have a job?

Now, someone is finally speaking my mind. Coach K, the head coach of Duke and a really classy guy (in my opinion) was asked what he thought of the Prez having Duke not make it very far in the tournament:

"As much as I respect what he's doing, really the economy is

something that he should focus on more than the brackets."

Now people are all up in Coach K's face and saying he's just mad because Obama didn't have Duke getting very far. Maybe Coach K, like anyone else who doesn't worship the ground Obama walks on, thinks maybe Obama should pay a little more attention to the economy than to March Madness. It still sucks, you know (the economy, I mean). Yes, I know Obama is still allowed to be a human. I know he is a huge basketball fan. Thats awesome. Fill out a bracket, relieve a little stress. Even release it to the press if you really want. But a segment on ESPN? A segment they seem to feel the need to play over and over again with no relief for the weary? Where every time I turn to my favorite channel I see the Prez talking basketball, while on CNN his press secretary is saying "I know the economy is still bad, but we inherited it. Its not our fault." I was afraid we were getting a superstar over a president, and so far the first 2 months have not proven me wrong.

(Obama enjoying his fans at a Wizards game.)

Anyway, I just want March Madness sans Barack-etology. Thats all.

Surreal

Playing catch with daddy

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Little league

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Wrestling in the living room

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Basketball games

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Cubs games and Root Beer

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Cleats

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Camping
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~

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That’s right . . . We're having a GIRL.

(Note: dresses and bows still accepted)

In Case You Were Wondering

Well, despite two weeks, and a particular weekend, from hell (in reference to the place~that's ok, right? ha ha) I finished my last assignment yesterday morning. My finals are ordered and will both be taken on March 28 and hopefully make it back to Provo by April 3. If not, I can't imagine them telling me I can't graduate because my Independent Study tests were a day late. We'll pray they're more generous then that. No, actually we'll pray the tests will travel fast. So I'm feeling good, though I'm a little worried about actually passing my finals, but I've got a week and a half to prepare so that should be manageable.

~

For those who've wondered (I know~its been keeping you up at night), I did drop my minor. It turned out to be a blessed decision. I was too sick for too long to get all the work done I needed to, and definitely would not have graduated on time if I had kept it. And I'm really not torn up about it. I feel good, so I know it was a good decision.

~

Chris is doing good. He's on Spring Break, which is his first Spring Break since high school (thanks, BYU). Unfortunately I have to work and the first two days were spent caring for and calming down a stressed out wife who frequently burst into tears. But this morning he's going golfing with a friend, then this afternoon gets to see his baby, then tonight gets to talk about registering with a no-longer-freaked-out-nice-again wife. So things are looking up. He has truly been my rock through these first months of sickness and then through this school fiasco. I don't know how he deals with me and all the responsibilities he has at church and school. I'm so grateful for him. He's really held our home together while I've been somewhat of a wreck. I call him my Superhero. And then I get the Enrique Iglesias song "I can be your hero, baby" stuck in my head and sing it for hours. He especially enjoys that.

~

I leave for Idaho/Utah a month from today. I really really can't wait. After this, we won't be getting back west until Christmas probably so I'm going to suck all that clean dry mountain air in to get me through a muggy southern summer. And I can't wait to see my mountains. And my daddy. And my little brother play baseball. And go baby shopping with my mom (start saving, mom~~ha ha). Its just nice to go home. Oh, and it will be nice to get that whole graduating from college thing OVER WITH. I'm so ready for that. I never thought college would be something I felt ready to be done with; something I felt as though I was ready to move on from. Its strange. It may also have something to do with the wiggling I can feel in my abdomen.

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Well, there is a little update. We see our precious baby today. I'm praying he/she will have 10 fingers and 10 toes, and a plethora of perfectly formed, healthy organs. Thats all I want, as I'm sure thats what all parents want. I'd take that and be perfectly fine if we couldn't see if we're having a boy or girl. BUT I really want to see, so I'll be following the old wives' tale of drinking orange juice to make the baby move around. Crossing fingers.

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I was looking back and realized I haven't posted any pictures of us since the beginning of December. Thats lame; I know pictures are the funnest part. I'll get on that. Of course, I'll have to start taking some pictures . . .

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Oh, and did I mention I am back?

Officially.

I'm no longer pretending to take a break while

I continue to post once a week and check a blog or two each day.

Now I'm really back.

Good thing. I know I missed you.

Feelin' Lucky

I'm so close to my classes being over I could cry.

And have~on several occasions.

Enjoy your St. Patty's Day.

Chris outlawed corned beef and cabbage because its not "healthy".

Well, neither are fruit roll-ups, but I eat 3 of those each day.

Anyway, it works out because I don't have time to cook today anyway.

But I will tomorrow.

Yes, I will tomorrow.

I'm Not Back

Really, I'm not. I still have 4/5 of my "Bible as Literature" class to finish by Saturday. This Saturday. And between the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac and the religion class I just finished, I cry. . . often. Religion class + pregnant lady = tears. Such a mess. So really, I'm definately not back. But . . .

~

We get to see our baby in a week. Its crazy because I need time to slow down for school, but want it to speed up to March 18. Along with seeing the Kid, we'll also get to see if sweet child will be sweet daughter or sweet son. The concept is intoxicating.

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We have, however, recieved pressure to do a baby registry. The idea was strange to me. A wedding registry I get, but a baby registry? It has been demanded by coworkers and more strongly by extended family members, and we promised Chris's grandma we'd get right on that as soon as we knew the gender. Amidst my hard school work, I've been parusing Babies R Us and Target (think those are the two places I'm going with, even though my hometown doesn't have either--) and there is so much STUFF. A lot I have a good idea of what I want. But most I'm totally clueless. So, to all mommies, what could you NOT LIVE WITHOUT? Whats your favorite thing? Bouncer and swing, or will one do? Bumbo, bobby, bottles, blankies, binkies-- whats the best of the best? Of course, the big two for me are stroller and carseat. Have a carseat you love? Know a carseat or stroller that I SHOULD NOT get? I need your mommy wisdom, because at this point I'm not sure I have any (though, I did get a bella band so my pants would stop digging into my womb--I think baby appreciates that). Let me have it.

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And really, I'm curious: does anyone have one of these? I can't figure out what it is for. Everything else I get, but not this. Anyone?
One thing I totally know I want is this Ikea crib. $99 and totally simple and adorable. There are so many huge and beautiful cribs, but our baby room probably wouldn't even fit one! And what would I do with a $500 crib? I'd rather have a $500 jogging stoller (though, I won't be getting one of those either). Anyway, I heart this crib. And this summer we'll be journeying to Cincinnati to get one. Yay!

Ok, I'm gone again now.

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Though I will be checking for comments. And anyone who has a thingy that tracks the visitors to your blog knows I've cheated on more than one occasion anyway. My bad! Oh, and you knew it was coming. The baby gender poll----------------> Cast your vote before March 18. If you want to go with my "mother's intuition" (I'm not sure I would) vote boy. If you want to go with Chris's not-so-secret wish, go with girl. ;-)

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Ok. I"m gone again now.