Clothe the Whales

The last few weeks of expansion explosion have made it painfully obvious that my plan to wear my regular clothes for the entirety of my pregnancy and just "make them work" is definitely not going to happen. I'm running low on things that fit, and those that still do require a Bella Band that is increasingly ineffective. There are probably a few people in my office wondering what kind of granny underwear I've got going on. Needless to say, it was time for me to give in and start a small and strategic maternity collection. I figure I won't need jeans, as a soggy Southern summer won't call for that much denim at any point. But a pair or two of shorts, work-appropriate pants, and some tops are becoming things I, as well as a squished Lil', have begun to covet. On Saturday we were perusing the racks at the Ross on the fancy side of town, and lo and behold, they actually had a maternity section. It was made of one entire rack. Wow. Maternity clothes have come a long way since the days of the don't-show-your-bump muumuu. But they've come a lot further for those with a bigger budget than me.

I have come across many websites that have totally adorable maternity clothes. But I'm talking $200 pants and $80 tops and $125 dresses. Maybe its just me, but I figure this child will come out at some point, and when she does, she is going to need a few items, you know, like food, diapers, insurance, a home, clothes, medicine, an education. So there are more important places to put those hundreds of dollars than into a wardrobe I can wear for 3 months.

However, I still like to look decent. And that's the tricky part.

So last night I geared up emotionally and physically and headed back to Ross (without Chris) to find a piece or two to add to my shrinking wardrobe. I've been told on occasion that I am "tiny", but I must have been pocket-sized before because I definitely don't feel tiny. And trying on maternity clothes didn't do anything to change that. But: they were so comfortable. Insanely comfortable. Maternity slacks are about a 1/2 step up from sweats, and as a pregnant coworker told me: "After you're done being pregnant, you don't have another excuse to wear an elastic waistband for 40 years." So I tried on a multitude of clothes, but only walked out with 2 tops, each costing $8.

I ran into several problems during this initial adventure, all of which can be addressed with a few messages to the producers of [inexpensive] maternity clothes:

1. I'm carrying my baby in my tummy, not my crotch. So the stretchy waistband in the maternity pants you made is awesome, but the big baggy space in the crotch area is totally unnecessary. Thanks anyway.

2. Yes my chest and belly are bigger, but my neck is still the same size. So that ginormous neck hole in every shirt is not necessary. In fact it makes it hard to keep the shirt from falling off my shoulders.

3. Ruffles are not, in fact, a legal requirement for maternity tops. So you can cut back on those.

4. I don't want a stork on my t-shirt. And I really don't want a sparkly stork on my t-shirt.

5. Knee-length maternity shorts need not have rhinestones on the pockets. Or leather trim. Or words embroidered on the bum.

~

Memos to me on this new adventure:

1. Do not shop for maternity clothes in any store that has mirrors.

2. Nor should you ever shop when hungry. Or tired.

3. If finding cute modest regular clothes for the summer was tricky, just wait for the challenge of finding cute modest maternity clothes for the summer. There's a reason they say modest is hottest, and pregnant ladies don't like being hot. Its a good thing my biggest months will be in the peak of summer.

4. Under no circumstances will maternity clothes look good on me. I'm out of luck. Maybe I will consider a muumuu.

And last but definitely not least . . .

5. The little creature kicking inside of me makes this blue ruffly tent I'm trying on totally worth it.