a little perspective.

{Carly's hand gratitude turkey: dada, mom, Elmo, and nums (yummy food)}

~

Last night Chris and I were talking in bed before we fell asleep. We found that we had been having very similar thoughts and feelings over the previous 24 hours, it was just our first chance to slow down enough to share. We spoke of our experience with Carly's little accident and our visit to the ER. We spoke of how scary it was to us, as first time parents. How, even though it wasn't a very bad injury, even though we knew she was fine, it shook us. It hurt so bad to see our little girl in pain. Watching her scream, watching her feel so scared, not understanding what the people were doing to her. Watching her in pain and misery. It hurt our hearts in a way only a parent can understand. And I know her little accident was nothing to what others experience, and for that I am grateful.

But as we talked, we found we had had another similar thought. One of a Father watching from Heaven as his Son sacrificed himself on the cross. It hurt me so bad just to watch Carly get her little gash cleaned and glued. Can you imagine the pain our Father in Heaven felt watching his Son go through more pain than any person will ever experience? Watching him suffer every sin, every sickness, every pain. Watching from heaven with the power to comfort him, but knowing that He must not. On our behalf and with infinite love, He watched His Son suffer and die.

Elder Jeffrey R Holland spoke beautifully (doesn't he always?) on this in April '09 Conference:

"With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.

But Jesus held on. He pressed on. The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish. The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us. When the uttermost farthing had then been paid, when Christ’s determination to be faithful was as obvious as it was utterly invincible, finally and mercifully, it was “finished.” Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him, Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness, and despair. With faith in the God He knew was there, He could say in triumph, “Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.”

As silly as it sounds, our small experience with Carly has made me all that more grateful for this defining event in the history of mankind. All that more grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who gave His Son. All the more grateful for a Savior who made it possible for me to be with my husband and with my perfect baby girl for all eternity. But isn't that what parenthood is about? What life is about? We experience things that bring us closer to Heavenly Father. We learn things that make us understand Him better. And through this infinite sacrifice, we can return to live with him again. 

What a blessing.

A blessing I know I will never fully comprehend.

But tonight my heart is full.

~

Happy Thanksgiving.