the bitter and the sweet.

Oh, peeps. I've been holding so much in. It sure is hard to blog when you have one single thing occupying your mind and that one single thing is also a secret. Its also hard to blog when all you want to do is puke and sleep. But it sounds like my lack of blogging hinted at my big "secret" anyway. Looks like I blog too much.

I had a plan. As a second pregnancy, this one was going to be easier. My body had done this before, so it can't be as shocked as when I had Carly (which, for those of you who recall, was no walk in the park). And then I got called to seminary and, forgive my faith, but I thought if seminary and baby were meant to coincide, then I would be blessed with an easier pregnancy. But, as we all know, things don't go according to plan. We found out about Deux in mid July. One week later the nausea kicked in, and one week after that I was down for the count. I've never felt like this. One day I had a dear friend take Carly for like 6 hours and when Chris came home he found a shaky, dehydrated mess. I went on Zofran, and the side effects were so bad. I was shaky and dizzy and needed to puke but physically could not. I would just take the pill and go to bed for hours. Thank heaven this came at a time when Chris was able to help and his parents were coming to town. After a few days and lots of pain, I knew Zofran was not going to be the best friend I was hoping for. I talked to the doctor and he gave me another anti-nausea med. After a few days on this, I was able to function, eat, get up. It wasn't the miracle solution I was looking for, but it made it so I could exist. So there you go. I've been anti-social. I wear make-up about once a week and can't remember the last time I used my straightener. My parents came and I was good-to-go only about half the time, which was really hard for me, but good for Carly because she got lots of playing time. I've kept it classy, puking at Sam's Club (where I'm pretty sure I scared a teenage girl into practicing abstinence), and behind our parking garage while Carly ran up and down the hill. Oh, and the spit. Like last time, I make a ton of spit and have to spit it in a cup or on the ground. Its nasty, and I would give anything for the spit to stop. Anything. Unfortunately, my daughter is a little sponge these days and has started making spitting noises and saying "I'm spitting!".

Like I said, classy.

I know I don't have the worst pregnancies ever. And like I said with Carly, I'm grateful I get to have pregnancies at all. But it sure would have been nice for it to be a little easier this time. Or at least not harder. Just for the record.

My hero in all of this has been my husband. Let me tell you, I won the lottery with this one. He has had to work double time, dealing with school and all that stress and busyness, taking care of me, being pretty much mom and dad to Carly. He comes home when he can't afford to. He runs around with Carly when he has no energy. He cooks and cleans after a full day of teaching and studying and working and meeting. He has done so much and we would literally be nowhere without him. I love him. I can't say that enough.

And the big sis? This is the hardest part for me. I literally have tears in my eyes just thinking about what I want to write and share and remember. I hate hate hate not being able to take care of Carly like she should be taken care of. I hate that she watches so much tv. I hate that I can't take her outside very long. I hate that I can't teach her or play with her the way I want. I worry about her and pray for her so hard that she isn't hurting or wondering whats wrong with me or whats wrong with her. It breaks my heart. And when it comes to being sick, I can handle it (for the most part) on my behalf. I just need it to end for her. There is a good chance she is oblivious to the situation and just thinks mommy is lazy. That's fine. As long as she is ok.

In case you're wondering about Seminary, I went to our Bishop and told him the situation. He found a sub for my first two weeks so I don't start until October. I still don't know how I'm going to do it, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Fingers crossed for . . . . something. Something to work out.

Chris gave me a blessing near the beginning of this little adventure and in it the Lord reminded me you cannot taste the sweet without first partaking of the bitter. Those words echo through my mind on a regular basis. And right now I think I'm so consumed with surviving the bitter, I don't stop enough to think about this sweet thing joining our family.

So as for the fun stuff?

Right now my due date is March 25th. This will put our kids (eek! . . . kids) two years and seven months apart. It will also mean the bulk of my pregnancy will take place over the winter, which I'm already happy about after having Carly in August (even though I'm going to need a lot of new maternity clothes. nice.). This also happens to be my oldest brother's birthday, as well as the weekend The Hunger Games movie comes out. So really, I'm ok if this baby is a few days late so I can see it before I'm down for the count (is that the second time I've used "down for the count" in this post?).

We will find out if Deux is a he or a she, and that will probably take place the first week or two of November. We both want another girl, though Chris is dead-set on it and I'm more open to the possibility of a boy. Chris will hardly even discuss boy names! Needless to say, he loves his daddy's girl. But of course we'd still love a boy. Or at least try really hard to :).

As for names, like last time we probably won't share until the baby comes (unless you're a lucky immediate family member! woohoo!). I'd say we're already down to 2 girls names, because they are both names we loved for Carly and that hasn't changed in two years. A boy will probably remain nameless for days, as our boy name tastes are drastically different. He likes pretty traditional boy names, and while I don't like crazy names, I like something a little more modern. I love the last name as a first name thing. I tried to get him to like "Mauer" (rhymes with 'power') which is the last name of a super awesome baseball player. But he wouldn't go for it. Which is why I'm sharing it. ha!

Ok, there's my novel. We are excited and feel blessed, while still praying for a little relief. That's ok, right?

Yay for babies.
xoxo.