don't you ever grow up.

I finally managed to get my paws on Taylor Swift's new CD yesterday.

I always have an adjustment period where I have to get used to new songs when I'm used to the old ones.

But she has already made me cry with her little number, "Never Grow Up":

~

Your little hands wrapped around my finger

And, it’s so quiet in the world tonight

You’re little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming

So, I took you in

Turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything’s funny

You got nothing to regret

I’d give all I had, honey

If you could stay like that

Oh, darling don’t you ever grow up

Don’t you ever grow up

Just stay this little . . .

It can stay this simple . . .

Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

Oh, Tay. You get me every time.

~

I've been a big bag of chaotic emotion lately. Carly seems to have entered the "terrible teens" rather than waiting until she gets all the way to 2. I feel like things are a bit out of control as a mother. She screams a lot (I mean, a lot) and I don't know if screaming and crying all day is normal. Is it normal? She tears everything apart, taking everything out of everywhere. She is now tall enough to reach the edge of the counter, and she will grab things off it too (um, steak knife, anyone?). And she seems too young to discipline. Does she even understand me when I say no? Sure does not seem like it. She just seems wild. I have fears growing in my mind. 1) I don't want her to be a spoiled brat. 2) What if something is wrong? Like what if she has ADD, or OCD, or Autism? I don't know what is normal. I don't know how a 15 month old is supposed to behave, and the thing is, every kid is different. So there is no normal. I just want her to be a nice, well-behaved girl. I mean she can be funny and spunky and energetic. Just maybe less screaming and throwing herself on the floor in defiance. Can someone teach me how to parent a toddler? I'm just not catching on.

~

I vaguely remember what my husband looks like. I knew PhD school would be busy. But I didn't expect the combination of Carly going insane and his schedule would send me into a stupor. I find myself surviving the days rather than living them, wishing these 4 years away. I don't want that, but how do you not? Its obviously a personal problem, one I've been doing a little soul-searching (if you will) to figure out. People do this crazy school + kid thing all the time. Why am I the only one on the verge of a constant mini breakdown? I think its easy to get a bit lost in the day-to-day grind. Chris is so good. He knows how much I love school. How hard it is for me to not be in school anymore, when I once dreamed of graduate school and traveling the world. He asks if I want to go back, do night classes or something. Or online classes. "I just want to attend lectures without having to do homework or take tests" I told him. "Well . . . . " he searched for an answer. He is cute. I've been searching for something, outside of Carly, that I can feel passionate about (read my sister-in-law's fabulous post on passion here). I picked up sewing. Kind of. I'm a dreadful sew-er (I would never use the word seamstress to describe myself). And while I do enjoy it, I don't see myself being the same extreme sew-er as I see others are. I would love to get back into working out. Its been tricky, as Carly won't sit in a stroller for more than 5 minutes, its already getting too cold to work out outside, and we are far too poor for any sort of gym membership. I know its important. I like how it makes me feel emotionally and physically. But passion? Not sure working out makes the cut. I'm fully aware my passion lies in learning something new every day. Finding answers to questions I care about. Which is why I absolutely adored college. Which is why this sometimes repetitive, sometimes un-stimulating environment of stay-at-home mom world is a challenge. But don't get me wrong. I know I want to be here. I know I need to be here. I know I'm supposed to be here. And Carly really is my light and life. But I don't think that having the desire to do something else, something outside of her is a bad thing. In fact, I know it will be good for her because it will be good for me. I'm just not sure, at this point, what that "something" could/should be.

~

Pictures of my tiny perfect new niece and watching my giant running-playing-learning toddler planted the idea of #2 in my head. We are in no position to add #2. Chris is so busy, Carly is a nutcase, and I'm a bigger nutcase (though, she pulls it off in a much cuter way than I do). We are dirt poor. I haven't worked out in like 18 months. And we know its just not time. Which is really the most important factor, listening to the Spirit. #2 is up there in heaven, watching the chaos she is destined to join, and probably hoping I pull myself together before she has to. But she is tugging at my heartstrings. The same way Carly did before we decided to try for her. And I will be joyful and grateful when the time comes for her to join us (she better be a girl, with Carly's cute new room they will have to share and the tubs of clothes we have stored up). I just pray I will be in a place emotionally, physically, grammatically, where I can do it . . . the mother of 2 thing. And not just do it, but rock it. All I want is to rock it

~

My grandpa once said to me, "I like reading your blog. Its like a soap opera."

I wasn't sure what he meant by that.

I'm now assuming he was referring to posts like this one.

Don't mind me.

Happy Thursday.